During the Olympics, there's been much talk about athletes being "gods" of their sports. There's also been a multitude of athletes praying on the field, thanking him in post-game interviews, and wearing scripture on their person for all to see. God is everywhere—or at least more than usual.
But what if the All Powerful got sick of just watching and seeing all the athletes have all the fun? What if he, somehow, participated as a player? What would that look like? Let’s take a look.
By Reggie Noble and Andy Moore
Scouting report: There is absolutely no doubt that God would be a point guard. He loves being in control. The question is: Would He pass?
One has to assume God is just lights-out from the three-point line, but He's also been known to create. We think He'd sacrifice a scoring title just to get others involved. Teammates would have free will to accept His passes and make something out of them. The pressure, however, would be enormous. How could you ruin God’s creation? Don’t you appreciate its beauty?
The person drawing the unenviable task of coaching God would have a real pickle on his hands. Think Erik Spoelstra had it bad? Try getting ol' Alpha and Omega to run sprints at the end of practice.
He would play for: Duke, then Indiana Pacers
Supporting scripture: John 3:13: “No one has ascended into heaven except he who descended from heaven, the Son of Man,” clearly in reference to an out-of-this-world vertical leap.
Scouting report: The game’s first and only six-tool player, God would undoubtedly roam centerfield, bat lead off and wear No. 3. Armed with the ability to know exactly what the opposing pitcher is throwing, He'd be a dead-pull hitter. A strong carpentry background would yield adroit bat control, making Him virtually impossible to strike out. His one weakness would be his reticence to take a walk in the pursuit of constant glory – well, that and his insistence on sacrificing whether it’s necessary or not.
He would play for: Los Angeles Angels
Supporting scripture: Naham 2:4: "The chariots rage in the streets. They rush back and forth in the broad ways. Their appearance is like torches. They run like the lightnings."
Scouting report: Yahweh would be a shotgun quarterback in an uptempo offense. The two choices in his simplified playbook: the Hail Mary and the triple-option. He’d miraculously fit passes into impossible windows. Despite constant pressure to mold his game after Tim Tebow, The Almighty would be His own man. A reluctance to use deceptive hard counts and insistence on calling plays in Aramaic would be problematic, though.
He would play for: Notre Dame, then Dallas Cowboys
Supporting scripture: Philippians 2:3-4: “Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Translation: spread the ball to many receivers.
Scouting report: He would spend an inordinate amount of time working on his skates under the belief iron truly sharpens iron. You’d find God in between the pipes, where he’d encourage defenders to let the other team shoot in order to boost his save totals. Revolutionizing the game with his Kneeling Prayer position, He'd be susceptible to shots in the upper 90s. His playoff beard, of course, would be unmatched.
He’d play for: Los Angeles Kings, except one awkward campaign with the New Jersey Devils
Supporting scripture: 1 Corinthians 9:25: “Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.”
Scouting report: There is no denying that God works fast. He created Earth in a day. He molded and threw up in the Heavens several trillion stars—also in a day. (He is angered that He never receives enough credit for this feat.) The speed of His actions ensures that God would be able to run like lightning, a concept that He also in fact created.
There is a downside to all this speed, however. The Infinite Spirit is known to take much time off, most notably after His most active week in Genesis. Just as Usain Bolt has caught criticism in the past for an at-times slack work ethic, God took off a full day after His quickest achievement, the creation of everything. Olympians cannot get away with taking too many days off.
He would be like: Usain Bolt
Supporting scripture: 1 Thessalonians 5:2: "You know very well that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night."
Scouting Report: Ah, here it is. A sport for the truly devout. Despite the many unseemly headlines Tiger Woods has made in recent years, there is no mistaking golfers as the most religious of any athletes. God would fit in well.
What kind of golfer would he be? As the All Powerful, He would grace His game with an almighty drive, one that goes even further than noted sinner and golfer subject to smiting, John Daly.
But one has to think God would play with too much of a chip on his shoulder to only hit driver. Why? Verily, God is still struggling to forgive golf legend Lee Trevino for this blasphemous quote about the All-Powerful: “If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron,” Trevino said. “Not even God can hit a 1-iron.”
As a response to this, God would smite Trevino by only hitting 1-irons off the tee, taking away some length but making him the greatest long-iron player since Ben Hogan. And it was good.
He would be like: Ben Hogan
Supporting scripture: Romans 12:19: Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.
Scouting report: God would first be confused by the particulars of this “sport.” “Why is this black smoke going into my great and wonderful skies?” He'd think. “Must all the oil I graced this fine Earth with be spoiled in such a fashion?” Then He’d tour an infield and find the sport to righteous.
As a driver, the Almighty would show His mercy by not following the “Days of Thunder” commandment: “If it ain’t rubbin’, it ain’t racin’.” Without sacrificing the other cars on the track, He would attempt to win races with His intelligence and poise. He would win every race, because He would be the only driver on the track with said intelligence.
He would be like: Jimmy Johnson
Supporting scripture: Jeremiah 3:3: “I am the Lord, and I created the whole world. Ask me, and I will tell you things that you don’t know and can’t find out.”
Scouting report: God has spent a good time in the water during the 12,000 years since he created Earth. During His travels, he’s picked up on the swimming habits of all His fastest creatures—the Orca, the Shark, the Phelps. This will have made him into the ultimate swimming
He would be like: Michael Phelps
Supporting scripture: Psalms 24:1-2: The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it; for he founded it on the seas and established it on the waters.
Scouting report: God is currently playing on the ATP, and has been a professional for 14 years now. As of August 7, He has won 17 grand slams and 75 total titles. Although His game has been in a slow decline for the last few moons, The Alpha and Omega still holds the world No. 1 ranking after topping Andy Murray in the 2012 Wimbledon Championships. What can He say? God plays well on grass.
He would be like: C’mon.
Supporting scripture: Federer 6:12: And lo, Federer had one of thine “moments,” causing the onlookers’ jaws to verily drop and thine eyes to protrude and thine mouths to make sounds that bring spouses in from other rooms to see if you’re O.K.